Remind me where I stand...

Such a bad day for me… My position requires me to side on the big boat. Sometimes I feel that they are not right, but I must comply because I am just an employee. I have my limitations and I must know where I stand… Well, I have to move on. I know that this too will pass.

dreamin' again...

I didn’t expect it would come…I saw it as an illusion…sitting right beside him and talking about pieces of me that I kept hidden…sharing to him my frustrations, even my desperations.

Was it just a dream? No, it was real. He was there asking me questions, and smiling at me.

But that was just an ordinary night for him… It meant nothing at all…

Me and My Guitar

She was there when tears were flooding me to death. I sang my way to the grave until i've had enough of those nightmares. Moments away from you slowly killed the jolly person in me. Then i got tired and decided to move on. Making you an inspiration instead.

Still have our song in my heart, every lyrics, every chords have rooted deeply and wherever i go, my guitar is there to accompany me.

The tears had stopped flowing and the pain had ceased but the symphony of what we had still remains.

On "50 Hurting Experiences from Loving"

I was suffering from the after effects of a broken heart when a very dear friend named April forwarded the “50 Hurting Experiences from Loving”. Those are indeed experiences that are hurting and worth the falling of countless tears.

After my second attempt of joining the affair, I swore never to be in it again, I swore to never open my heart to anybody else… Love has always given me pain. It has always caused me sleepless nights of being on a riverbed. So then I kept hidden this wounded heart and locked it where hurt, pain and suffering couldn’t reach it.

It rested for a long time and healed on its own. Then I met this one guy who changed everything. He opened my eyes to things I never saw before. He unbolted my ears and made me hear music that I didn’t hear yet. Yes, he also unlocked the sealed doors of my heart.

He was the best thing that ever happened to me. Being with him was the happiest moment in my life. I don’t know what more to ask when I’m with him, he completed me.

Due to fortuitous matters, he disappeared leaving me to my old crying self again…I thought about the 50 Hurting Experiences from loving…yes, I experienced most of them… For Love? I’ve had worst but the good thing there is I always have a lesson to learn which molds me and makes me stronger as I continue with my life’s voyage.

50 Hurting Experiences...from Loving

1. Letting go of a person you've just learned to love
2. Reminiscing the good times you shared together
3. Shielding your heart to love somebody

4. Trying to hide what you really feel
5. Trying to hide the tears that involuntarily fall
from your eyes
6. Loving a person too much
7. Giving up someone you never thought of giving
up
8. Having the right love at the wrong time
9. Taking the risk to fall in love again
10. Hiding your relationship from someone else
11. Controlling your feelings to avoid hurting a
friend
12. Thinking of him/her every waking and sleeping
moment knowing all the while that he/she never
even thinks a single thought of you...
13. Letting go, because everytime you see the
person, you only fall deeper
14. Holding back only to find out when it's too late,
you both felt the same way, but were only
scared to lose each other so much that you didn't
let the feelings out
15. Falling in love with someone you didn't mean
to fall in love with
16. Finding the perfect guy/girl...with only one
problem--- he/she doesn't love you...the way you
want him/her to...
17. Helping the one you love "court" your friend /
helping your friend "court" the one you love
18. Seeing the one you love crying for someone
else
19. Waiting also hurts like hell
20. Having to hear "... I've met someone"
21. Agreeing to his/her wish to 'just be friends'.
22. Asking his/her freedom back bcoz 'he'd/she'd
be happier with him/her'
23. Asking you to 'forget that everything happened'
and be 'normal' friends again.
24. Hearing that you're treated as a little bro/sis
(ouch!)
25. Sharing his/her future plans for the guy/girl
with you.
26. You stopped being friends bcoz his gf/her bf
asked him/her to.
27. Being denied in front of people.

28. Telling you lies where he'd/she'd been when
actually, he/she was with a 'new friend' or an
'old flame' (whew!)
29. He/she told you he'd/she'd be leaving you to
return to his/her ex? the one he/she left for
you!
30. Breaking someone's heart
31 .Fighting for that one thing that would make
you happy that is, holding on to a person who can
not guarantee you his/her commitment unless
he/she fix himself/herself...then, you are left
hanging for the moment...then he/she says, time
will tell... ang labo lang niya...but you still decided
to hope in him/her and trust him/her
32. Pretending you're OK when inside you're
dying...
33. Pretending to be strong.... and recognizing
your weakness
34. Lying in bed each night, thinking of that special
person you can never have...
35. Being with someone you can't actually love...
36. Pretending you don't love a person whom you
actually love...
37. Being in love...
38. Letting go even if you really don't want to...
having no right to say you are hurting because it
was your decision
39. Seeing the person you love hurt because of
you... and not being able to help that person...
40. Having the courage to say "I LOVE YOU" to the
person you love and finding out afterwards that
things will never be the same again when he/she
doesn't treat you with the same closeness as before
41. Having to face the fact that someone is
capable of completely destroying the wall that you
have set for yourself, leaving you weak and
vulnerable
42. Admitting that you love someone despite
his/her imperfections

43. Finding out that the more you try to hate
him/her, the more you end up loving him/her,
perhaps even more than before
44. Realizing how stupid your mistakes were that
led to your break-up.
45. The thought that this guy/girl, used to really
love you and you loved him/her as well but you
didn't give enough and he/she gave up on you
46. Sharing the one you love with SOMEBODY
else....."
47. Making a promise....and realizing that when
the time has come for that promise to be
delivered....the commitment is no longer there...
48. Violating your parents' rules for that someone
that you love.
49. Leaving your long-time friends because the
one you love cannot accept them.
50. The hardest thing about love - believing it

moving on after letting go...

Tears well up everytime he talks about his beliefs, his principles, his ideals…they are way too different from mine.

I’ve had my set of tunnels and labyrinths, too complicated to be understood by a man of sanity. Stayed long in those places and had a hard time getting myself out. And even if I’m no longer there I still look back and dream of having a visit or two. I was on the zenith of happiness while stuck in those dungeons. Never cared for tomorrow, never feared anything…it was a “come what may – let it be” ride. But I was satisfied…was contented…was happy…did not even aspire to set myself free from its bondage.

But life is more than that…as he said, it is a continuous challenge…it is a choice of whether to move on or to get stuck and moving on means totally letting go of the excess baggage of the past. To travel light and to focus on the goal that never existed before. He is right. No questions on that matter, but, Am I ready for it? Do I really want it?

still remains...

Still thinking of him…still have his face perfectly painted in my mind. Everywhere I go, he’s all I see and to ignore that piece of imagination is impossible because he is deeply rooted in the core of my heart.

I’ve been carrying this burden since the day he left me for something that I could not give…and up until now, I still haven’t gotten over him. Tears still flow everytime he visits my thoughts. What is worst is the longing that I have to be with him again. Memories of him are pert that forgetting his totality is very impossible. He has reasons of going away and I have mine to make me stay. Letting go of him means letting go of a love I considered TRUE.

They call me Yanee...

I never thought i'd reach the age of 25. How it happened is a mystery. I've been through a lot and up until now, i couldn't fathom how i was able to pick up the scattered pieces of puzzle in my life and brought them back...it's not completely solved yet but it will be soon...